Last year Priscilla and I celebrated thirty years of marriage. We traveled back to New Orleans, the city where we honeymooned all those years ago. We traced the exact same journey from Dallas to Gaveston, across the ferry at Port Bolivar, and then east on I-10 to New Orleans. It was a glorious trip.
Priscilla remembered so many details about the original trip (she has an elephant memory). I spent a lot of time reflecting on thirty years of marriage.
After thirty years of life together, I realized that I love her more today than I did the day I married her primarily because the love is different. It is richer and deeper and more constant.
Five Missing Marriage Vows
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
During our second honeymoon, I reflected on the vows we recited to each other thirty years before and realized that they were not sufficient for the love that grew from that moment.
I wrote down five vows you will never hear at a wedding, but probably should.
1. I promise to love who you are today, not who I want you to be.
… love is patient …” (1 Cor. 13:4a).
Love does not demand anything a person can’t give in the moment. Instead, it patiently waits until they are ready.
2. I promise you will never be responsible for my happiness.
I can do all this through him who gives me strength” (Phil. 4:13).
Does my wife make me happy? Most days, and on the whole, she has made me very happy. However, my happiness is not her responsibility.
The people you love the most will love you the most and also hurt you the most.
Your happiness must be rooted in something greater than another human being. Otherwise, you are headed for an emotional roller coaster ride.
3. I promise to make my expectations clear.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion it has taken place.” — George Bernard Shaw
My wife can’t read my mind, nor can she meet a need she knows nothing about.
4. I promise to be for you, to encourage your dreams, to help you become the man or woman God created you to be.
… love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs” (I Cor. 13:4b-5).
Have I been for my wife every single day of our marriage? No. I’ve never wished her any harm, but there have been days when I have been so hurt or angry that I wasn’t in any mood to encourage her.
If you want your marriage to grow, you must find a way to be for your spouse, even when you don’t feel like it. What does that look like? Here are a few suggestions.
- Pray for your spouse.
- Affirm your spouse’s strengths and gifts.
- Focus more on the positive aspects of your spouse’s personality and actions than the negative ones.
- Help your spouse pursue his or her dreams and talents.
- Make your relationship a safe place for hard questions and deep conversations.
5. I promise to believe the best is yet to come, regardless of how good or bad things are today.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jer. 29:11).
When she was 12 years old, my wife lost her mother. At the funeral, someone gave her Jeremiah 29:11. It became her life-verse.
In some ways, it has become our married-life-verse.
It was a word from God to the Jewish exiles, reminding them that no matter how bleak life seemed at the moment, God is always working to build a better future.
That’s one of the best things you can ever hope for in your marriage!
