Seeking approval is part of being human. We all want others to like us. We all want to be praised for our contributions to life. However, the older you get the harder it gets to find the approval that you so desperately need. Have you become an approval-seeking addict? Has people-pleasing taken over your life? Here are some ways to identify the disease and suggestions to overcome it.
The Twelve-Year-Old Jesus
Jesus may have been the most supremely self-aware and self-confident human being to ever live. He was twelve years old when we get our first glimpse into his personality.
Jesus and his family were in Jerusalem for a Religious Feast. When his parents headed back to Nazareth with the family caravan, Jesus stayed behind. It took them a while to realize that Jesus was not with them. They backtracked to Jerusalem and found him after three days of searching. He was in the Temple Courts engaged in theological debate with the Scribes and Priests. His mother, Mary, scolded him. Jesus’ calm response: why were you looking for three days? Didn’t you know that I would be in my Father’s house? (Luke 2:49).
Jesus was at the age when a young Jewish boy was considered a man. He was about to move from the care of his mother to the tutelage of his father in the family business. Jesus was saying that his desire was to do the work of his heavenly Father, not the craftsman work of his earthly father.
There are few voices more important to a child than those of his mother and father. Yet, Jesus was willing to go against even those voices when it came to staying true to his inner voice. It wouldn’t be the last time.
People Pleaser Identifiers
Seeking the approval of others is not necessarily a bad thing. Seeking to please people, in certain contexts, can be a very good thing. However, like anything good, too much of it can do terrible harm to your soul.
How do you know if you are seeking approval in a harmful way? You know that your people-pleasing ways are harming you if:
- You regularly change your position or opinion because someone disagrees or disapproves.
- You get upset when someone disagrees with you (especially on some small matter).
- You regularly ask permission when it’s not necessary.
- You try to coax people into giving you compliments (and you get upset when they don’t).
- You constantly apologize.
Sound familiar? You are infected with the people-pleaser disease. What can we learn from the life of Jesus about overcoming the unhealthy need to get approval from others?
Who do people say that I am? [Mark 8:27-33]
One day Jesus asked his closest disciples, “Who do people say I am?” They answered, “Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, one of the prophets.” Then Jesus asked them, “But, who do you say I am?” Peter jumped up and said what everyone was thinking: “You are the Messiah!” Jesus told him that he was right.
Jesus then went on to tell them that he must go to Jerusalem and die on the cross. Peter pulled Jesus aside and scolded him. “Don’t talk about dying,” Peter said, “Messiah doesn’t die. It’s a negative message. You’re scaring people away. No one wants to hear that, Jesus. You are Messiah. You will conquer the Roman Empire. Please, no more talk of death.”
Jesus rebuked Peter in the harshest terms – “Get behind me, Satan. You do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.” In other words – I don’t care what you (my closest friend) or the crowds think – I must stand on the truth of who I am and what I have come to do – and anything or anyone who would seek to derail me from that is not my friend.
Wow! Jesus was mildly interested in what the crowds were saying. He was very interested in what his closest friends thought. But, here’s the deal – even with his closest friends – what they thought couldn’t change the truth of who he was.
The problem is that approval-seeking behavior usually results in the opposite of what you want to achieve. Think about the people you respect the most. Why do you respect them? Isn’t it because they stay true to who they are? They stand up for what they believe in and don’t feel upset when someone disapproves or disagrees.
It’s not easy to suddenly stop seeking approval – it’s ingrained from birth. But if you can identify the most common approval-seeking behaviors it will help you recognize when you are seeking approval – it’s the first step to breaking the habit. Here are some suggestions for beating this harmful way of life.
Steps to Overcome the Approval Seeking Disease
1. Be aware of your actions.
The first step is to recognize when it’s happening. Take another look at the identifiers listed above. Make an honest self-evaluation. Ask trusted friends to weigh in. Make a plan for what you will do when you catch yourself engaging in the people-pleasing behavior.
2. Clarify your own values.
I had a mentor in ministry who would always remind me that I have to have a “North Star.” This is a fixed place that never moves. No matter the criticism or beating I might take as a leader, there has to be a place inside of me that I know will never be shaken.
What are the things you believe? You can’t be true to something you haven’t even identified. Some people sway with the opinions of others because they have never clarified their own beliefs. This is why Peter commanded the Christians of his day to “always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have” (1 Peter 3:15).
Know what you believe and why you believe it.
3. Develop a greater sense of self-worth
Jesus heard his heavenly Father say, “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased” (Mark 1:11). Jesus was able to stand against the tide of opposition and stay true to who he was because he had a rock-solid sense of his own worth in the eyes of God. In the end, that’s the only opinion that matters.
The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” — Mark Twain
4. Learn to accept yourself for who you are.
The Bible tells us that “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8). God loved you and saved you exactly the way you are. Learn to do the same for yourself.
You are usually your own worse critic. You tend to be harder on yourself than the people around you. Half of the negative things you see about yourself – no one else sees.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” — Oscar Wilde
5. Check the accuracy of your beliefs about yourself.
People were saying all kinds of things about Jesus (Mark 8:27). Some even called him the devil (Mark 3:22). They were wrong. Jesus knew they were wrong. He stood up for the truth, even when it meant standing against his own family (Mark 3:21).
When people are critical of you there is a simple three-step process you should use –
- evaluate what was said;
- use what is true to help you improve;
- throw away what is not true and never worry about it again.
We are often our own sharpest critics. The voice inside of your had can be brutal … and wrong. Make sure that what you think about yourself is accurate.
6. Practice self-love.
Jesus told us that one of the most important commandments of God is to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt. 22:39). We can’t love others well unless we first love ourselves well.
Take time each day to do something good and pleasing for yourself.
7. Try to understand why you’re so desperate for approval.
Jesus said, “you will know the truth and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). The truth is a liberating thing. Understanding is often the key to unlocking the gate to change.
See a professional counselor. Counseling is a critical tool for overcoming the destructive nature of the people-pleasing disease. I highly recommend it!
8. Get approval for getting disapproval.
Jesus said, “Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matt. 5:10). He went on to say that you are also blessed when you are ridiculed, beat-up, or ostracized for standing up for God.
Take pleasure in knowing that God is pleased when you stand up for what is right, even if it is hard for you to do – especially if it’s hard for you to do. God is screaming, “Way to go!”
The person who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The person who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever seen before.” – Albert Einstein
9. Learn to Agree to disagree.
Practice being comfortable with disagreement. Jesus walked away from several arguments without defending himself. You don’t always have to defend your choices or ideas.
Practice saying a kind, yet definitive, “no.” Learn to be okay with agreeing to disagree.
10. Remember that authenticity is attractive
When people know what you stand for, they will gravitate toward you. You will build trust with others because you say what you mean. And even people who disagree will respect your honest opinion.
You will have deep relationships and won’t need to hide who you are. You will be authentic. And you will inspire others to follow your example. Instead of searching for approval, you start to become a leader.
The crowds who followed Jesus could never agree on how they felt about him (John 7:12). There was a point in Jesus’ ministry when the crowds began to leave him because the truth he was preaching was too hard (John 6:60). He rarely had a unanimous vote among his closest disciples! One of them even betrayed him.
When you respectfully stand true to your beliefs some will reject those beliefs. However, many will gravitate to those beliefs and will be attracted to your message.
Don’t worry about what’s cool and what’s not cool. Authenticity is what’s cool.” — Zac Posen
11. Value the Approval You Do Have
Take a regular inventory. Ask yourself: Whose approval do I already have? Which friend enjoys my company even when we disagree? Who are the people that embrace my quirks and weirdness? Who can I be myself with without worry?
Do you have someone in mind? Good. Hang out with that person or persons as much as possible! When we remember the people that like us for who we are, we can stop seeking approval from everyone else.
And never forget that when everyone else fails you — you always have the eternal approval of the God who loves you so much he was willing to die for you!
It’s not wrong to want people’s approval. When you do it because you really want to, it’s a wonderfully life-affirming way to strengthen a relationship. However, when people-pleasing is your main focus, it will become destructive.
I pray these steps will help you overcome the approval-seeking disease.
