The most intimate human bond a person will ever experience is often found in the marriage relationship. Feelings, both good and bad, are intensified in such a close and vital relationship. Emotions can run high because so much seems to be at stake. Marriage, therefore, is a place where false narratives can be devastating. What does Jesus teach us about the lies we tend to believe in marriage?
Four Lies That Will Destroy Your Marriage
A marriage can quickly develop its own set of narratives — arguments, struggles, and dysfunctional conversations that play out over and over again. These narratives can become ruts that carry the marriage in destructive directions. There are four lies that often seep into those narratives.
1. It’s all your fault.
It takes two to make a marriage and two to break a marriage. It is never one person’s fault.
That being said, it is human nature to want to blame others for our failures. Some are more prone to this than others, but all of us prefer to take on as little fault as possible. Some live their lives to deny, diminish and deflect all responsibility.
Deny – “I didn’t do it.” Diminish – “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” Deflect – “She pushed me to do it.”
These are all subconscious strategies to assuage a broken self-esteem or cover up debilitating insecurities. They do damage to self because they stunt your emotional and spiritual growth, and they do damage to the ones you love because they heap undue condemnation on them.
Jesus said, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets” (Matt. 7:12).
So, how does it feel when someone hurts you and then they deny they did it, or diminish your hurt feelings, or deflect the blame back on you? Not good, right? Then you shouldn’t do it to others.
2. It’s too hard, so we must not be right for each other.
Marriage is hard work. Always. Everywhere. At all times. If anyone tells you different – they’re lying, or in denial, or delusional.
The grass always seems greener in some other pasture. The reason it’s greener over there is simply because — you’re not over there. If you were, it would be just as difficult – if not more so.
This kind of thinking is simple escapism. It’s juvenile. It’s shallow. It’s delusional.
The reason escapism never works is that you are a part of the problem (see lie #1 above) and wherever you go – there you are!
Jesus, quoting from Genesis, elevated the sacred ties of the marriage covenant when he said,
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matt. 19:5-6).
The greatest joy of your life will come after 30, 40, 50 years of commitment to one person and the life you build together.
NOTE: There are obvious exceptions to this general rule. Both Jesus and Paul made allowances for divorce. Being in an abusive relationship, or married to someone with a narcissistic disorder, or a serial adulterer, are a few examples that come to mind.
However, the point Jesus was making was that divorce should be the exception to the rule, not the norm. And even the most extreme circumstances should cause you to reflect on your own part in the situation. After all, you chose to marry the narcissist. What can you learn from that?
3. I shouldn’t have to change.
This is an ego problem. The person who doesn’t think they need to change is delusional.
To the person who says, “I shouldn’t have to change,” I would ask, “Why not? What makes you think you’re so great the way you are? I promise you – you’re not.”
Everyone needs to change within the marriage relationship. It’s called growth. The marriage relationship will always throw light on the hundreds of small ways we can improve.
A person who is unwilling to change for their spouse, is most likely unwilling to change for any other reason and will be stuck in a perpetual state of adolescence.
Jesus asked –
What is the kingdom of God like? What shall I compare it to? It is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his garden. It grew and became a tree, and the birds perched in its branches” (Luke 13:18-19).
The Kingdom of God (i.e., the reign and rule of Jesus in your life) is something that starts small and grows. It becomes a blessing to all those around only in that it grows. You were created to grow and develop. Spiritually, if you’re not growing, you’re dying.
4. You owe me.
Certainly, there are certain obligations involved in the marriage covenant. We promise to love, honor, and respect each other, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. It’s one of the biggest promises we will ever make. As such, there are certain things we “owe” each other in marriage – loyalty, respect, honesty, fidelity, etc.
However, when we throw the “you owe me” at each other it betrays a basic misunderstanding of the nature of our obligations.
The Apostle Paul described the Christian marriage when he wrote –
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord … Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:21-22, 25).
The governing rule of marriage is that we submit one to the other in respect for each other and reverence for the Spirit of Christ. In that kind of relationship, “You owe me,” is never a part of the vocabulary.
Watch out for these lies. Root them out of your marriage. Pray them away from your life. Place Christ and his Spirit at the center of your marriage relationship and he will destroy these false narratives before they destroy you.
